"I climbed the stairs to my apartment, lay down in my new bed and turned off the light. I waited to start crying or worrying, since that's what usually happened to me with the lights off, but I actually felt OK. I felt fine. I felt the early symptoms of contentment.
My weary body asked my weary mind, 'Was this all you needed, then?'
There was no response. I was already fast asleep." - ch. 11 Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. pg.36
There is nothing better than being able to fall into peaceful sleep, knowing that you don't have to experience the constant fear and worry and depression that have become a hallmark of your life. I would have to say that things came to a fever pitch pretty recently (say, about 5 months ago?) when I was feeling like I was letting others down (by not meeting their expectations and approval - and, although, their extreme judgmental attitude hurt me deeply, it wasn't completely unfounded, if I'm being honest), but ultimately the worst realization came when I realized I was truly letting myself down.
While I've been ridiculously honest in this blog so far, I still can't quite bring myself to detail out all the ways that I somehow morphed into a person that was unrecognizable. Sadly, more people than I care to admit actually know the details about this whole embarrassingly immature phase in my life, but thankfully, as I've mentioned before, I have the best friends in the world. And none of them would ever steal my dignity by airing my dirty laundry for the world to see. Thank goodness! We can just leave it at this...five months ago, I was not conducting myself in a way that was consistent with the values and beliefs I claim to hold. I would describe it this way: you know that crazy, rebellious phase that people go through either in their teens or right when they enter college? I feel like mine hit when I turned 33...just a tad late. And, a rebellious phase like that is exponentially more dangerous when you have already established yourself in a family - in a marriage, with children. These were very dark times for me, spiritually. This entire "phase", or whatever it is, is what has thrown me into this insane identity crisis and caused me to think seriously about what kind of a person I wish to be.
There came a point (around June?) when I realized that things needed to change or I was on a fast path to destroying everything good that I currently have in my life. At that point, some drastic changes were made. Good changes, the most significant being that, as a family, we stepped out from under the control of people that made us feel judged, worthless and hopeless. It was scary. Because that was all we knew and we didn't know if we would find anything/anyone healthy to replace this very important group of people in our lives. Still, even with the risk, after we left...it was the first time in a long time that I have felt truly free.
And, let me tell you, freedom...true, grace-filled, wonderful freedom...is one of the best antidotes for insomnia that I have found.