Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I Completely Forgot This Blog Existed!

I really don't understand how this happened.  All I know is...a friend said he wanted to start a blog and asked me to help him.  I thought...I'll just go check out blogger.com.  Well, of course it automatically directed me here.  I saw the title, "Beyond The Hype" and I thought to myself, "That sounds so...familiar....WHY do I know that name????"  Did a little more clicking and then I realized...oh yeah...this is my REAL blog!!!!

I've actually been posting daily blogs over on SparkPeople.com for the past couple months.  I have built up quite a following over there.  I'd say close to 500-700 read them every day and I usually get close to 200 comments on each posting.  I'm kind of a big deal on that side of the blogosphere. LOL.

It's mostly personal reflections about my health journey (I've lost 27 lbs since the last blog posted here!) and become an athlete (a runner).  I've already run a couple 5k races and am signed up for two half marathons and I'm shooting for a full marathon next year.

This blog feels like a hazy dream...something from so far in the past, I can't even remember myself when I was writing it.  So strange.

Anyway, if you'd like to follow my journey over on SparkPeople, here's a link to my blog page there:


Pretty sure I won't be maintaining TWO blogs at the same time.

Have a great night!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Time to Check In

It's weird how two months can pass and I barely blink an eye, but then one day, seemingly out of nowhere, everything from the past two months begins to piece itself together in my mind and literally begs to be spilled out on the "page", as it were.  Sometimes, the very act of typing everything out helps to solidify things in my mind and figure out exactly what is going on in my brain!

I suppose I've been coasting through life the past couple of months and things have seemed OK.  But, it's almost like everything has gone nuts these past couple of weeks, leaving me with a myriad of emotions from confusion to anger to self-loathing. There have also been some wonderful things happening to me that have had me flying high, so to say that it's been a roller coaster season of life would be quite fitting. 

Good Stuff: 

  1. Things are really going well with my job and I still truly enjoy what I'm doing.  I've been learning lots of new, very useful skills (XHTML, CSS, etc) and I've actually had a blast learning!  I feel happy with where I'm at and where I'm headed and I am blessed to have wonderful co-workers and leaders that support me and believe in me. I honestly couldn't ask for a better situation right now. 
  2. I made a pretty huge decision recently to step back from roller derby this season.  Last season was just brutal, time-wise, and I felt that my time with my kids was really suffering. With my work travel demands higher than they've been in the past, I couldn't see a way to manage roller derby, work and my family and not leave one of these areas hanging.  So, I chose work and family and reluctantly left derby behind.  Surprisingly, I have found great peace with this decision and have been extremely happy with the amount of time I've had at home in comparison to last season. I had worried about relationships in the derby community, but have come to find that those who I really had a connection with have not allowed our friendship to fall away.  And it's been pretty sweet to see who those "real friends" are, after an entire season of, quite frankly, always feeling like I needed to prove myself to everyone and not quite feeling like I measured up. I almost hate to admit it, but I really love my life without the demands of derby.
  3. I've been feeling more and more at home in our new church family.  My doubts about trusting another church have slowly been falling away and I feel that my heart has slowly been opening as well.  I am more OK with being vulnerable and trusting people with some pretty deep stuff that I'm struggling with and, when they work through it with me, I don't feel judged or looked down upon or shameful.  In fact, I have only ever felt loved, supported, cared for and encouraged.  This is a huge step for me, because if anyone is good at hiding, it's me.  And, for once, I am beginning to open up those areas that have been hidden for a long time.  And, as a result, I feel that freedom is just around the corner.
Even in the midst of tremendous blessing, I recognize that there are areas of struggle that I have largely brought on myself.

Seriously annoying/frustrating stuff:

  1. I am not going to sugar coat this.  I love my kids, but they have been driving me bat shit crazy these past few weeks.  Some days are OK, but the majority of days have resulted in me wondering why I ever had children and how I could have possibly created such monsters in so short a period of time.  There have been nights of HORROR where EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has been throwing the mother of all fits, talked back, whined until I wanted to punch the wall and just out and out screamed at me or hit me or something else equally disgusting.  This behavior has been unacceptable and I have not known how to deal with it.  In addition, one of their teachers is constantly asking me how to control her and get her to stop being downright defiant and I feel like a colossal failure because all I can do is stare at her and say, "I don't know."  I've never felt like more of a failure.  I'll be straight up honest and say I've never despised myself more.  You want truth?  Here you go: My kids have wonderful, amazing, precious qualities and I'll never stop loving them.  But, they are absolutely, completely and totally SPOILED.  And I don't know how to reverse it.   It's SO embarrassing and I don't have any clue where to start to remedy this.
  2. Nothing new here...with the kids going nuts, obviously you wouldn't expect my marriage to be a shining example of steadfast joy and love.  I mean, these things all feed off of and into each other, you know?  
  3. And, less of a big deal, but still significant.  I work really hard and I feel like I do a pretty awesome job.  But I can be mature enough to admit that there have been some slip-ups at work that were rather humiliating and some things that were pretty easily fixable (thank God) that I should have caught.  My boss and I have talked about it and I have vowed to do better.  The fact is, I need to be more vigilant and stop allowing things to slip through the cracks.
So, it's like I have this wonderful see-saw of incredible blessings and debilitating failures.  And, for some reason, that voice of failure always seems to scream the loudest, doesn't it?

But, that's where my faith comes in.  This morning, Giff preached a great message on fasting (in preparation for Lent).  It's probably not politically correct to admit this, but I definitely saw the title of the sermon and immediately thought to myself, "Ugh. I hate sermons on fasting! Here comes another guilt-laden diatribe on how you are a bad Christian or you'll never grow if you don't fast for three days or whatever. SNOOZE."  But, it's Giff...and he's never let me down so far...so I kept an open mind.  And I'm so glad I did because it was the best, most unique view on fasting that I've ever heard.  Not just interesting, but deeply touching and genuine.  When it came time to quietly reflect, I just felt a gentle nudge inside to try this Lent thing this year...not because everyone else is doing it or because I feel like I SHOULD or because it's the cool thing to do at my hipster church.  No.  It's the first time I've ever thought, "You know?  I could actually do this for God.  Not for me.  But for Him.  And for my family.  I mean, would it HURT anyone?  No.  So why not?" And I really just felt inspired to give up any sort of electronics or cell phone usage while I'm at home in the evenings during the week.  Instead, I hope to spend more time with God, in my own thoughts, with my own heart and more importantly, with my family...doing REAL things...like going outside and talking and cooking healthy meals and you know...disciplining my kids with self-control and loving patience, instead of flying off the handle and yelling because I'm exhausted and distracted.

This afternoon, I started a 6-week study with some ladies from church called "Made To Crave", which addresses our attitudes and dependencies on food and our overall health (mental, spiritual and physical).  It was very eye-opening for me and I am looking forward to finding victory in many areas with my own personal health battles.  Listen, people, my boss is training for a half marathon.  It's getting nice outside and we live just off the Clear Creek Trail.  Our family just joined Bloomingfoods and we are planning on joining a CSA this Spring.  It feels like the right time to get my butt in gear.  I'm tired of feeling gross all the time and tired and sick.  And it's about time I take responsibility for my bad habits and be a good example for my family.

I was thinking about all of this and all these things that felt fragmented and separate really just began to come together.  I realized that I've been using my phone/computer at night to check out from having to discipline my kids or foster my relationship with my husband.  Even though I quit derby to be at home more, I haven't really been PRESENT when I'm at home...I've used my phone/FB/TV as an escape from  issues that were bubbling up.  And, now...things have boiled over.  And I'm SURPRISED?  I've made excuses with my health and lied to myself, saying I'll "start working out and eating better when it gets nicer outside" and using that as a license to go totally crazy, diet-wise and be totally lazy.  I've let all of this stress and exhaustion tax my soul and, as a result, I am not always sharp mentally for my job...and things fall through the cracks.

ENOUGH.  I'm done with things falling through the cracks.  Look, I know I'm human and it's dangerous to expect to be perfect.  I'm not saying that God loves me less because I'm not perfect.  Nothing like that.  I'm saying that it's time for me to CHECK IN to my life.  I need to be an active participant and not just watch things happen to me.  People need me.  My kids, my husband, my co-workers.  I come from a long line of drug addicts and, although I've never struggled with substance abuse at all...I can see that I find other ways to avoid the hard things in life, to "zone out" and just pray that things get better without me having to face the issues.  I thought I'd broken the cycle of addiction by saying "no" to drugs...but addiction is so much sneakier than that.

Well, this plague in my family will end with me.  I won't pass this on to my children.  Things WILL be different for them.  And, I'm sure it's gonna suck for awhile in some respects, but freedom is right around the corner.

And I am SO EXCITED about that!!!