OK, I have been reading TWO different books, trying to figure out what to write about because it just "feels" like it's time for another blog entry. But nothing is inspiring to me. Perhaps it's because I can't focus because so many stupid little things seem to be getting under my skin today. Frustrating work this afternoon, bad attitudes from people that just get on my last nerve, kids that won't stop whining and crankiness coming at me from every direction. I really do try to stay positive most of the time, but you know...sometimes the negativity of everyone around can really just get to me. And, it's not just that I start to get all pessimistic and grumpy like them...it's that PLUS the fact that I am also incredibly and indescribably ANNOYED by their behavior.
And every little annoying thing that happens seems to build up until I really can feel my inner balance tipping severely and I don't really know when I am going to fully explode or which poor soul will bear the brunt of it. I suppose this has been quite the issue for much of my life...my anger. Whether it's anyone else's "fault" doesn't really matter. The fact is, I have a ridiculous amount of anger and it is easily set off. More than one person has told me that they felt like they needed to always be "walking on eggshells" around me.
I suppose if I were going to analyze this from the beginning, I would definitely say that my model for how to release anger was given to me by my bi-polar mother, who frequently had unexpected RAGES. We were in a constant state of fear and walking on eggshells in our house growing up. In fact, the first question that we (my brothers and sisters) asked each other every single time we entered the house was, "Is Mom in a bad mood?" You know, just to get ourselves mentally prepared and know whether we needed to be quiet and hide or not.
While I definitely feel like I control my anger a lot better than she did, I know that the blow-ups (when they happen) are eerily similar. When I explode and scream at someone, it is my mother's voice that comes out of my mouth. The exact same tone, same words, everything. It's really actually frightening. I have frightened myself.
The medication I take certainly helps...it takes the edge off a lot of things for me. For instance, I don't really care too much about kids crying...I can tune that out pretty well when I'm medicated. But, ultimately, I understand that, even though I didn't have a good model to teach me how to deal with anger when I was growing up, I am my own person now. As such, I need to be a grown up and own my actions and behaviors.
If you want to know how I am at my worst, just watch that episode of "Jon and Kate Plus 8" where they go shopping at Toys R Us and Kate (the bitch) has a melt-down and yells at Jon across the store. How humiliating for that poor guy...and so embarrassing for that family. When I watched that episode, I wanted to puke...because I felt like I was literally watching myself through Kate. Ugh! I have been SO angry with my kids that I have found my heart racing and I was pretty near hyperventilation. Actually, when this happened...this was when I scared myself enough to realize that I could not be trusted to be off of my medication. Do I want my kids to have to deal with that forever like I did? NO.
So, these days, with the help of the meds, I have to straight up figure out how to CONTROL myself when I'm angry. Tonight, I was successful. I don't really know how. I just know that I logically, mentally talked myself out of throwing a hissy fit temper tantrum. Not kidding...here is how it went down at what I'll call the "critical moment":
ELAYNA: Waaaahhh...I can't find my blankeeeet. Waaahhh....I have to have it! I looked everywhere! *Starts to melt down*
ME: *Nostrils flaring* (Thinking to myself): I am sick of listening to everyone and I will kill someone. Seriously...I'm going to go fucking nuts right now. (Out Loud): Go look for it. Please step away from me now.
ELAYNA: *Knows what's good for her and leaves*
ME: (Thinking to myself): Breathe slower. Don't lose it. Don't lose it. But, I'm seriously annoyed. I really want to scream and hit a pillow. Stop it...just quit it. Don't be a child. Act like an adult. Don't frighten anyone. Who cares about them? They have their own stupid issues and you can't change them. This is your issue. Breathe slower.
Crisis averted. Now, what I really need to work on more is the fact that I completely withdraw when I'm angry...instead of asking for help or communicating. But, one victory is plenty for tonight.