Been a few since I posted a blog. Quite a lot has happened since my last update from Kuali Days. For one, exactly one month has passed. In a month's time, I have researched possible graduate studies, met with my boss to discuss career paths with Kuali and nixed the idea of grad school (for NOW - it's just not financially feasible, nor will it work with my family priorities at this time), asked for a raise and the boss and I are working to get that approved by HR come early spring. [Note: This is no small feat. In fact, even more than actually obtaining the possiblity of a pay raise, the very act of asking was the overwhelming victory for me. I almost chickened out, but forced myself to take this seemingly insignificant, but monumentally important step toward career growth. I was pretty proud of myself.] I feel this past month has seen many career doors open and the anticipation of what is to come, in regards to my future with the Foundation, is very exciting. I know that not everyone within the organization feels the same way, and I do completely understand that people have different situations, but I really feel happy where I'm at right now. And that's something I've been searching for in my work for a long time.
On the flip side, I've also been working through lots of junk personally. And, it truly is JUNK. Old bad habits, destructive thought patterns and the ever-present lack of belief in myself and knowledge of my true self in general. These things are never easy. And, to that end, I have had some vivid dreams lately, which I feel are significant and which I have been thinking on for several days. I won't share every personal detail, but I will give you an overview, because I find dreams to be interesting things. And, if you believe in God, you might be of the same impression as I am that God sometimes uses our dreams to speak to us. And, in the case of these two dreams, I truly do feel that He is trying to tell me many, many things.
I should preface by explaining that my dreams are always vivid. I see everything in them as if they were 100% real. I can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel everything (yes, that last one is sometimes fun). I have had a lucid dream (where I realized I was in the dream and was able to control things a bit) just once...about a month ago. I don't think there was any deep meaning to that one, but it was cool. Still, even with the constant real-ness of my dreams, the first one really played out like I was watching a movie...it was really cinematic. I don't know if you can understand that, but anyway.
FIRST DREAM (about four days ago)
I dreamed I was with a bunch of friends, hang gliding or something. We were all complaining about the prices after our hang gliding adventure was over and suddenly I was all alone next to this cliff. Don't worry. I was in no danger of falling off. I felt like I was in pain and I looked around and no one was there. I realized I had pieces of glass under my skin that needed to be taken out or I would continue to be in pain. There were four pieces of glass. I became VERY angry, because I thought, "Where IS everyone and why is no one helping me?!" I realized that I would have to get the glass out of my skin myself. It was so painful but I pushed each piece of glass out through my skin, crying and screaming as I went. There was a LOT of blood. Finally, all the glass was out. I had to disinfect so I poured a bottle of hydrogen peroxide over each cut, expecting it to hurt badly. But when the hydrogen peroxide washed over the wounds, I felt total relief. It was over. I felt better. Almost instantly, I was with a man (who I knew to be my best friend, who loved me) and he was hugging me and kissing me and comforting me. And I felt 100% safe.
SECOND DREAM (the night after the first dream)
I was fighting a Lion. There were people all around, but no one was helping me. Nobody was worried about me and I was scared. I tried to push the lion off of me, but his claws were digging into my arms and he was biting my hands. I was terrified that he would kill me, but something inside me told me to just keep fighting and that I would not die in this fight.
“They say Aslan is on the move - perhaps has already landed.”
And now a very curious thing happened. None of the children knew who Aslan was any more than you do; but the moment the Beaver had spoken these words everyone felt quite different. Perhaps it has sometimes happened to you in a dream that someone says something which you don't understand but in the dream it feels as if it had some enormous meaning - either a terrifying one which turns the whole dream into a nightmare or else a lovely meaning too lovely to put into words, which makes the dream so beautiful that you remember it all your life and are always wishing you could get into that dream again. It was like that now. At the name of Aslan each one of the children felt something jump in its inside. Edmund felt a sensation of mysterious horror. Peter felt suddenly brave and adventurous. Susan felt as if some delicious smell or some delightful strain of music had just floated by her. And Lucy got the feeling you have when you wake up in the morning and realize that it is the beginning of the holidays or the beginning of summer.
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe – Chapter 7