What's The Word? - "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, ch. 33

"Giulio said, 'Maybe you and Rome just have different words.'
'What do you mean?'
He said, 'Don't you know that the secret to understanding a city and its people is to learn - what is the word of the street?'
Then he went on to explain, in a mixture of English, Italian and hand gestures, that every city has a single word that defines it, that identifies most people who live there.  If you could read people's thoughts as they were passing you on the streets of any given place, you would discover that most of them are thinking the same thought.  Whatever that majority might be - that is the word of the city.  And if your personal word does not match the word of the city, then you don't really belong there.
'What's Rome's word?' I asked.
'SEX,' he announced....'Even over at the Vatican?'
'That's different.  The Vatican isn't part of Rome.  They have a a different word over there.  Their word is POWER.'
Giulio asked, 'What's the word in New York City?'
I thought about this for a moment, then decided.  'It's a verb, of course, I think it's ACHIEVE.'
(Which is subtly but significantly different from the word in Los Angeles, I believe, which is also a verb: SUCCEED.  Later, I will share this whole theory with my Swedish friend Sofie, and she will offer her opinion that the word on the streets of Stockholme is CONFORM, which depresses both of us.)
I asked Giulio, 'What's the word in Naples?' He knows the south of Italy well.
'FIGHT,' he decides. 'What was the word in your family when you were growing up?'
That one was difficult.  I was trying to think of a single word that somehow combines both FRUGAL and IRREVERENT.  But Guilio was already on to the next most obvious question: 'What's your word?'
Now that, I definitely could not answer." - "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, ch. 33 pg. 103-104

Whoa. This is a heavy one, eh? This will be a short entry because I'm simply going to attempt to figure out the words for my city, my family growing up and myself.  Short, but certainly not simple.  Will probably take me longer to finish this than it would to write a whole book.

Bloomington's word?  Maybe...FREE-THINKING. Or SELF-EXPRESSION
My family growing up? BROKEN
Me? Well, if I knew that, I wouldn't have started this blog. But let's take a stab...SURVIVOR. I don't know. Maybe...COMFORT.  I'll have to think about this more.

What about you?  Do you have differing ideas for what Bloomington's word would be?  What about your family growing up or yourself? Or me? (For goodness sake, help me with this!)  Share in the Comments section, if you like!

Identity in Family - "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, ch. 30

"To create a family with a spouse is one of the most fundamental ways a person can find continuity and meaning in American (or any) society.  I rediscover this truth every time I go to a big reunion of my mother's family in Minnesota and I see how everyone is held so reassuringly in their positions over the years.  First you are a child, then you are a teenager, then you are a young married person, then you are a parent, then you are retired, then you are a grandparent - at every stage you know who you are, you know what your duty is and you know where to sit at the reunion.  You sit with the other children, or teenagers, or young parents, or retirees.  Until at last you are sitting with the ninety-year-olds in the shade, watching over your progeny with satisfaction.  Who are you?  No problem - you're the person who created all this.  The satisfaction of this knowledge is immediate, and moreover, it's universally recognized.  How many people have I heard claim their children as the greatest accomplishment and comfort of their lives?  It's the thing they can always lean on during a metaphysical crisis, or the moment of doubt about their relevancy - If I have done nothing else in this life, then at least I have raised my children well." - "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, ch. 30, pg. 94-95

This is really a great thought and I would have to say that I agree with it...even though one of my first posts ever stated that my relationships don't define who I am.  I mean, they don't...but, at the same time, they actually do.  I'd like to think that I'm this totally independent, not-tied-to-any-particular-label, do-whatever-I-want-because-I'm-totally-focused-on-what-makes-me-feel-fulfilled kind of gal.  But, really...who am I kidding?  A lot of who I am IS the choices I have made...the people I've chosen. 

This is how I know this to be true:  every time I try to clear my mind and think, "Who am I...really?" It always leads to THE question, "Well, what do I live for?"  And the answer is always the same.  This is the answer:

For awhile, when I was feeling so unhappy with my marriage and such, this didn't always feel like "enough" for me.  Surely, this can't be the only thing I'm living for??? There must be more than this!  And all the other "grass is greener" scenarios were flashing in my head (and, honestly, sometimes they still do). 

But, now that I'm on meds at a better place in life, I'm finding over and over that if I look at things objectively...my family really IS fulfilling and gives me a wonderful sense of self.  See, the problem never was that they weren't enough for me...it was that my level of appreciation for them wasn't high enough. As much as I sometimes complain, I'm working each day on doing my best to appreciate them and all the joy they bring to my life...and giving them grace for any of their grief.  And, when it comes down to it, wouldn't you be flattered to be partially defined by such an adorable, constant-source-of-laughter kind of group?

Early Symptoms of Contentment - Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, ch. 11

"I climbed the stairs to my apartment, lay down in my new bed and turned off the light. I waited to start crying or worrying, since that's what usually happened to me with the lights off, but I actually felt OK.  I felt fine.  I felt the early symptoms of contentment.
My weary body asked my weary mind, 'Was this all you needed, then?'
There was no response.  I was already fast asleep." - ch. 11 Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. pg.36

There is nothing better than being able to fall into peaceful sleep, knowing that you don't have to experience the constant fear and worry and depression that have become a hallmark of your life.  I would have to say that things came to a fever pitch pretty recently (say, about 5 months ago?) when I was feeling like I was letting others down (by not meeting their expectations and approval - and, although, their extreme judgmental attitude hurt me deeply, it wasn't completely unfounded, if I'm being honest), but ultimately the worst realization came when I realized I was truly letting myself down.

While I've been ridiculously honest in this blog so far, I still can't quite bring myself to detail out all the ways that I somehow morphed into a person that was unrecognizable.  Sadly, more people than I care to admit actually know the details about this whole embarrassingly immature phase in my life, but thankfully, as I've mentioned before, I have the best friends in the world.  And none of them would ever steal my dignity by airing my dirty laundry for the world to see.  Thank goodness!  We can just leave it at this...five months ago, I was not conducting myself in a way that was consistent with the values and beliefs I claim to hold.  I would describe it this way: you know that crazy, rebellious phase that people go through either in their teens or right when they enter college?  I feel like mine hit when I turned 33...just a tad late.  And, a rebellious phase like that is exponentially more dangerous when you have already established yourself in a family - in a marriage, with children.  These were very dark times for me, spiritually.  This entire "phase", or whatever it is, is what has thrown me into this insane identity crisis and caused me to think seriously about what kind of a person I wish to be.

There came a point (around June?) when I realized that things needed to change or I was on a fast path to destroying everything good that I currently have in my life.  At that point, some drastic changes were made.  Good changes, the most significant being that, as a family, we stepped out from under the control of people that made us feel judged, worthless and hopeless.  It was scary.  Because that was all we knew and we didn't know if we would find anything/anyone healthy to replace this very important group of people in our lives.  Still, even with the risk, after we left...it was the first time in a long time that I have felt truly free.

And, let me tell you, freedom...true, grace-filled, wonderful freedom...is one of the best antidotes for insomnia that I have found.